Jack & The Beanstalk pantomime script

JACK & THE BEANSTALK
By Robin Bailes & Jonathan Hales
Bailes & Hales' second script, in the same inimitable style as "Robin Hood", including parody lyrics to tunes by Abba, Village People, and Frank & Nancy Sinatra.

PLOT RESUME
Totally evil villainess Egbertha Ratchet is planning the eviction of all the local villagers, including Jack and his aunt Dottie. To add to their problems, Giant Tumbletop, who is on Egbertha’s payroll, has been terrorising the village for some time. Jack climbs the beanstalk to the Giant’s castle in the clouds; his cunning plan to save the day and thwart Egbertha involves Dottie, Princess Anastasia, cow Buttercup, comic duo Dim & Dum, the talking harp and of course, the goose that lays the golden eggs.

CAST 2 MALE 2 FEMALE 9 M/F PARTS

Narrator
Jack (PB)
Buttercup, Jack's cow
Princess Anastasia (PG)
Tumbletop, the Giant
Dottie, Dame & Jack's aunt Egbertha Ratchet, Landlady
The Henchman
Dim & Dum (comic duo)
Guards 1 & 2
The Harp

3 MAIN SETS
Production notes inc FX and musical numbers suggested.

Script Sample - A Cunning Plan

Egbertha Ratchet, the Landlady, and the Henchman are onstage

Egbertha Ah ha ha ha. Little do they know poor fools that soon I will have all of their homes. Ah ha ha ha ha.
Henchman Why do we want them?
Egbertha Honestly, you have the brain of a beaver and I’m not even sure that you’re using it. For the last time we want their homes so we can bulldoze them and put up a gigantic market. A super market if you will. I will call it …Ratchet’s, or Asda. I haven’t made up my mind yet.
Henchman Wow.
Egbertha Wow indeed. And if it wasn’t for annoying people like young Jack and that idiot aunt of his then we’d be laughing.
Henchman Ha ha ha.
Egbertha Shut up. (To audience) And what are you lot looking at? Once I’m done here I think I might bulldoze your homes and set up a chain of Ratchets.

Audience all shout “Boo!”

Shut up! (To Henchman) Now I want you to pay a visit to Jack’s aunt and lean on her.
Henchman What if she falls over?
Egbertha I don’t mean literally lean on her, you moron. I mean put some pressure on her.
Henchman But then I’d still have to lean on her.
Egbertha What kind of idiot are you?
Henchman I don’t know. How many types are there?
Egbertha Just go and tell her to get out of that house or things will get ugly.
Henchman You mean you’ll go and talk to her.
Egbertha Yes. (Realises what he has just said) And just what did you mean by that?
Henchman Um, nothing. I’ll go and talk to her.

Henchman exits R fast

Egbertha (to audience) That’s got him out of the way. Now you bunch of baboon-brained, balloon-bottomed, beer-bellied, blundering buffoons, would you all like to know my plan? (Various responses) Well I’m gonna tell you anyway. You see, it’s not easy making people leave their homes, no matter how much you raise their rent. You need some other way to get rid of them, for instance you could scare them out.

Sound of giant footsteps, possibly shadow passing

Tumbletop Fe, fi, fo, fum, the Giant’s here with rumbling tum.
Egbertha There you are, Tumbletop. You’re late.
Tumbletop (voice off) Sorry.
Egbertha Don’t apologise. Just improve. Have you terrorised the villagers today like I told you to?
Tumbletop Yes, Miss Ratchet.
Egbertha Good. Now I need you to do something else for me.
Tumbletop What?
Egbertha Shut up and listen! I want you to kidnap the Princess.
Tumbletop The Princess?
Egbertha The Princess.
Tumbletop The Princess.
Egbertha Yes.
Tumbletop Right. Why?
Egbertha The people love the Princess, for some reason. If you kidnap her and say that you won’t let her go unless they all clear out of the village for good, then they’ll leave without me having to evict them one at a time. It’ll save me time and money. Understand?
Tumbletop No.
Egbertha Well you don’t need to understand. You just need to do as you’re told. Ah ha ha ha ha.

Blackout

from Jack & The Beanstalk, Act 1 Scene 2

Script details

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