A Bird In The Bush one act play script

ONE ACT PLAYS

A BIRD IN THE BUSH
A comedy by Ron Nicol

Plot Summary
It’s a hot summer night, and Bernard’s stomachache and his abiding hatred of a cooing pigeon combine to keep his whole family awake. When he determines to track the pigeon to its lair, his daughter’s fiancé and the next door neighbour become entangled in his growing fixation. Eventually the police are called, and the play ends with a hectic and hilarious sequence in which Bernard has to face the consequences – and the wrath of his long-suffering wife.
ISBN 1 904930 81 6

CAST 2 MEN 3 WOMEN

Bernard
Marjorie, his wife
Kate, their younger daughter Jessica, their elder daughter
Malcolm, Jessica's fiancé

SET
A bedroom

TIME - the present, a hot summer's night
DURATION - approx. 40 minutes

Script Sample - The Burglar

A darkened bedroom. Marjorie is in bed. Creaking floorboards as footsteps slowly approach. The door opens and a shaft of light spills into the room. Marjorie stirs. Bernard furtively creeps in, tiptoes to the dressing table and slides open a drawer. Kate stealthily enters behind him and raises her arm to strike. At the crucial moment Marjorie switches on the bedside light

Bernard (turning) Aaah!
Kate (as he turns) Aaah!

Bernard is cowering in front of Kate, who is brandishing a tennis racket. They both turn towards Marjorie and react as she rises like a vampire in its coffin to sit up in bed

Bernard/Kate Aaah!
Marjorie What’s going on?
Kate I heard somebody creeping about. I thought it was a burglar.
Bernard That was me!
Kate I know it’s you now. I can see it’s you now. I didn’t know before though, did I? Sneaking into that drawer – I thought you were stealing Mum’s jewellery.
Marjorie I don’t have any jewellery, Kate, and if I did I wouldn’t keep it in that drawer. Is that a tennis racket?
Kate It was the first thing I could find.
Marjorie A tennis racket? What for?
Kate You don’t think I’d be playing tennis in the middle of the night, do you? To hit the burglar with, of course.
Marjorie You wouldn’t have hit your own father!
Kate I didn’t know it was him, did I? I thought it was a burglar.
Marjorie Kate, your father wouldn’t be creeping about in the middle of the night sneaking into drawers, would he?
Kate But he was creeping about in the middle of the night sneaking into drawers!
Marjorie You’re right. Why were you creeping about in the middle of the night sneaking into drawers, Bernard?
Bernard I thought everybody was asleep.
Kate We were - till you woke us up.
Marjorie What on earth were you doing? Creeping about scaring people.
Bernard It’s my house. I’ll creep about if I want.
Kate Talking about scaring people, what is that stuff on your face?
Marjorie Night cream. It’s to rejuvenate my skin.
Kate Oh, Mum, don’t be taken in by that. It doesn’t work. Women are constantly spending fortunes on products with overstated claims. There’s no way you can renew your skin.
Marjorie It’s not renewing - it’s rejuvenating.
Kate It can’t give you younger skin, no matter what it says.
Bernard Not at your age.
Kate Not at any age.
Marjorie I don’t care. If it makes me look better and feel better I might as well give it a try.
Bernard You look fine, love. I like you as you are.
Kate There you are, Mum, Dad likes you as you are.
Bernard Of course I do. There’s nothing wrong with looking a bit faded. It’s your age. Things start to go wrong. Like a car. Once you’ve had the best years out of it, it needs more upkeep. A good going over now and then…
Marjorie A good going over!
Bernard Till it’s had its day. Then you trade it in for a new one…
Kate So you’re going to trade Mum in, are you?
Marjorie He certainly is not! He’ll put up with me as I am.
Bernard That’s what I’m saying. I like you as you are. Wrinkles show character ...
Kate (warning) Dad! Shut up!
Bernard What? What’ve I said?

from A Bird In The Bush

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