HUMPTY DUMPTY
By Brian Freeland
Originally written for a professional production starring Joe Pasquale, this script has been specially adapted for the amateur stage.

Plot Summary
When Humpty Dumpty falls from the wall, an old witch's curse is fulfilled. Spiderwoman steals the King’s crown and absconds with it. With the help of Prince Simon, Contrary Mary and pretty Polly Flinders, Humpty embarks on a dangerous quest to the Temple of Cobwebs to recover the crown and save the kingdom from ruin.

The script is slick, fast-paced and full of fun, with copious notes provided by the writer/producer.
ISBN 1 904930 59 X

CAST 5 MALE 3 FEMALE 1 M/F PARTS
Humpty Dumpty Merry King Cole Mother Hubbard Polly Flinders Simple Prince Simon Merlin the Magician	Spiderwoman Contrary Mary/Principal Dancer Major Domo Quartet of formidable ladies Dancers: 3 girls/2 boys Babes

4 MAIN SETS
Production notes inc FX and musical numbers suggested.

Sample Script - Enter Humpty

Mother Hubbard is onstage when King Cole enters

King Ah, there you are, Mother Hubbard, I've been searching the palace for you.
Mother Hubbard (to audience) Isn't he cute? Come in number two, your time's up. (To King) I've just been out for the messages. Got a bone for the dog, and some pollyfilla for the parrot.King Pollyfilla's not for parrots.
Mother Hubbard Oh, isn't it? Well, he'll have to make do with Bird's Custard.
King Nothing for me?
Mother Hubbard Yes, of course, your Imperial Leather. I got some tobacco for your pipe, and arranged some music lessons for your fiddlers three. I tried to get something to keep the tea warm for your bowl, but Asda didn't have any thermos flasks.
King Did you try Boots?
Mother Hubbard Yes, but the tea kept slopping out the lace-holes! (To audience) It's no good groaning: it's not going to get any better.
King Now look, I've invited the village to a party tonight to celebrate the end of the witch's spell. I want you to prepare a nice dinner, but you haven't got much time.
Mother Hubbard Then we'll have spaghetti.
King How long will that be?
Mother Hubbard I don't know, I haven't measured it yet.

Flash! Spiderwoman enters

Oh look, it's Ann Widdecombe.
King No, it's Spiderwoman.
Mother Hubbard What are you after, dearie? Are you the new YTS for the kitchen?
Spiderwoman Quiet, you scum.
Mother Hubbard Kingy, are you going to let me stand here and be insulted?
King Why, where would you like to stand?
Spiderwoman And you can shut up, too.
King Just a minute, just a minute. I'm the King. I give the orders around here.
Mother Hubbard I think I'd like a brandy...
Spiderwoman King you are, but not for long,
My evil magic's much too strong.
The egg will soon come crashing down,
And I shall wear your royal crown!

She exits with an echo on laugh

Mother Hubbard Oh Kingy, I'm scared.
King We must find Merlin. He'll know what to do. (Shouts) Merlin!

Merlin enters followed by villagers

Merlin, Spiderwoman was here. She says she's going to boil the egg and crash my crown...
Mother Hubbard ...no...steal the egg and scramble the crown....
King No...crash the egg and steal the crown!

Big reaction from the crowd

Merlin Then we've not a moment to lose. Summon the army, sire, and double the guard on the egg. Everyone else must watch the roads leading into the village; report back if you see anything unusual.

They scatter in all directions. The soldiers panic. Spiderwoman re-appears, decoys the soldiers, slams the door and the egg rocks

Blackout. The egg crashes

Humpty Ow, that really hurt...

Lights up on broken egg, and Humpty crawling forward

Got a nasty bang on the head and it's made me all dizzy. I don't know where I am. Ooh look, lots of people. Sorry, I was just talking to myself; you get rather used to it living in an egg. You don't meet many people in an egg; matter of fact, you don't meet any. So it's lovely to meet so many new friends - we'll have to get to know each other. I'll say "Hiya kids" and you can say "Hiya - ", - oh dear, I don't seem to have a name. Can you help me boys and girls? What do you think my name might be?
Audience (hopefully) Humpty Dumpty.
Humpty Well, I suppose that would do. I really fancied something more with-it, like Justin, but we'll give it a try. I'll say "Hiya kids" and you shout "Hiya Humpty". Ready? Hiya kids!
Audience Hiya Humpty!
Humpty Alright, we'll settle for that. I'm Humpty Dumpty.

from Humpty Dumpty, Act 1 Scene 1

Script details

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