Jack & Jill & The Beanstalk pantomime script

JACK & JILL & THE BEANSTALK
By Craig Hewlett
A delightfully inventive script describing Jack’s adventures up the beanstalk in the land of Guy Ant. Plus a host of colourful characters including wicked Squire Sir Nicholas, and devious duo Robin Ublind and Conrad Fidence-Tryckster.

Plot Summary
Jack’s mum Dame Dolly Mixtures can’t pay the rent so they sell off the family pet Daisy the camel. Two con men sell Jack some magic beans, and when he plants these, he is transported to the land of the Giant, where he fights the said giant and nicks his golden goose. Meanwhile evil Squire Sir Nicholas has kidnapped Jill, but all ends happily - of course!
ISBN 1 904930 92 1

CAST 4 MALE 4 FEMALE 4 M/F PARTS

Fairy Liquid
Dame Dolly Mixtures
Jack Mixtures
Gemima Joie de Vivre
Richard Mixtures
Jill Joie de Vivre Sticky Bunn
Sir Nicholas Nicholas
Daisy The Camel
Horace the Hornseller
Robin Ublind
Conrad Fidence-Tryckster
Guy Ant

3 MAIN SETS
Production notes inc FX and musical numbers suggested.

Script Sample - Skint

Dame Dolly is explaining to Jack why they're poor

Dame Have you ever wondered why I keep patching your jacket? Why it is that I don’t simply buy you a new one?
Jack ‘Cause the village shop’s closed down? (alternative - doesn’t sell them?)
Dame Nope. Good guess though. Try again Jack ‘Cause we live in (name of local town) and there’s only one bus a week?
Dame No. Although, that is true of course, go on have another go.
Jack Oh I don’t know. Hold on! Hold on a minute! You can stop that right there, Mother.
Dame Stop what?
Jack Stop it! I know what you’re up to. You’re trying to make me think, aren’t you?
Dame You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Jack Oh come on, why is it then?
Dame It’s because we’ve no money, Jack, that’s why. As well as having no money, we’ve no savings, no assets, no stock and shares, no bearer bonds, no postal orders, hard cash or anything of value. The only cheques we’ve got are the ones on the tablecloth. We’re poor, Jack.
Jack Poor?
Dame Poorer than poor. We’re skint, flat broke, washed up, brassic and on the very bones of our..
Jack Mother!
Dame Bottoms. I was going to say bottoms.
Jack I didn’t realise we were poor?
Dame Well I’m afraid we are. Times are hard and can only get harder. If I saw a church mouse go past the house I’d mug him.
Jack POOR!
Dame Yes and I must say I feel better now I’ve admitted it! ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’, they say, and they’re right. Oh it feels good to get things off your chest and I should know, (she fluffs up her chests) you should see me after the show.
Jack Why?
Dame You know, when I take off me things..
Jack No! I mean why are we poor?
Dame I told you it’s the bills. ‘The bills. The bills. They made me deaf, you know.’
Jack What?
Dame It’s my Quasimodo?
Jack Have you been to the doctor?
Dame Quasimodo stupid! You know? The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Jack As opposed to Dollymodo the hunch-front of (name of local town).
Dame Very witty, I’ve trained you well. Anyway I don’t know why we’re poor, Jack. It’s the government, probably. All those taxes of theirs.
Jack It’s hard to get one of those in (name of local town) too.
Dame What? Oh give me strength! Taxes! Taxes! You buffoon. Not (she whistles) Oy! Taxi!
Chorus & Jack Oh ...
Dame Look Jack, we’ve got to think of something fast. That horrible Squire of (local) will be along for his rent money soon and when he finds out that we haven’t got it, he’ll throw us out on the streets and then I’ll die of exposure and then they’ll take me to the mortuary and strip me of my dignity.. Ooh the shame of it all, my mother will be turning in her gravy.
Jack The mortician’s in for a quite a shock as well.
Dame Oh Jack! What are we going to do? I can’t take anymore really I can’t. Boo hoo! (She sobs loudly)
Jack Please don’t cry mum? This is a pantomime we’re in, you know. I’m sure we’ll end up living happy ever after.
Dame Not only stupid but trusting.

from Jack & The Beanstalk, Act 1 Scene 1

Script details

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