JACK & THE BEANSTALK
By Dave Buchanan
Jack's adventures up the beanstalk in the land of Giant Frank N Stein and his mentor Doctor Knott. Plus a host of colourful characters including Dame Jolly, Dick Dummox, leprechaun Sean Conn, and of course Lulubelle the cow.

PLOT RESUME
Jack's Mum Dame Jolly can't pay the rent so they sell off family pet Lulubelle the cow. A passing leprechaun sells Jack some magic beans, and when he plants them, he, Dame Jolly, Mr Chips the schoolmaster and Dick Dummox are transported to Limboland. In Castle Eery he meets Mad Maude, the giant and mad scientist Doctor Knott. Overwhelming odds are overcome as Jack defeats the baddies and rescues the doctor's assistant Jill.

The giant's transformation scene is the highlight of a fast-moving and hilarious adventure classic.

CAST 5 MALE 3 FEMALE 1 M/F PARTS
MAJOR
Dame Jolly (Dame) Jack Jolly (PB) Sean Conn (Leprechaun) Dick Dummox (Simpleton)	Mr Chips (Schoolmaster) Doctor Knott (Villain) Jill (PG)
MINOR
Old MacDonald (Rent Collector) Frank N Stein (Giant) Mad Maude (Weirdo)

4 MAIN SETS
Production notes inc FX and musical numbers suggested.

SET PIECES
Giant transformation scene
Dame's tea party
"Invisible" routine
Irish songs and dances

Sample Script - The Top of the Beanstalk

Enter, up the beanstalk, Dame Jolly and Chips, still in the trance. Suddenly they snap out of it

DAME Whazzamarrer? What’s the game? What’s the time?
CHIPS More important, what is this place?
DAME Where on earth?
CHIPS (mysteriously) It may not be on earth. It may be - alien.
DAME You mean, we could be in - (next region)?
CHIPS And I will make another observation, Mrs - Amelia.
DAME Oh feel free, Mr Chips.
CHIPS Call me Angus.
DAME Very well, Angus.
CHIPS I would say we have just climbed this beanstalk (peers down) which I estimate to be approximately 2,000 feet high.
DAME What? No wonder I’ve got chapped hands and blisters! Let me see. (Peers down) Oh! I feel sea-sick. And air-sick. A touch of the dizzy-wizzies.
CHIPS Vertigo?
DAME I don’t know where to go! Where do you suggest?
CHIPS It must have been that little green pixie wot dunnit.
DAME He hypnotified us. Just wait till I see him.
CHIPS Let’s look around. See if there’s a sign of life. Doesn’t look promising. It’s bit like Aberdeen on a flag-day. Deserted!
DAME Can you smell something?
CHIPS (sniffing) Yes. We must be near (local farm or factory)!
DAME No, it’s not that.

The Giant appears UR, unseen by Chips and the Dame. Audience participation

DAME What’s wrong with them?
CHIPS I think they’re trying to tell us something.

Shouts of “Behind you!”

DAME What’s that? A triumph? Cars haven’t been invented yet! A giant? Don’t be silly. There’s no such thing. Oh no there isn’t! (Ad-lib)
CHIPS Where is he anyway? Over here? (Points DR) Here? (UL) Here then? I’m sorry to disappoint you, but there’s no one here. And certainly no giant.

The giant follows them around in a circle, then exits

DAME Well that was a damp squib, wasn’t it? (To audience) You shouldn’t do that, you know. It’s bad for my constipation. My ventricles were all a-quiver.

Chips sees Giant

DAME Mr Chips! I mean, Angus. You’re catching flies! You look as if you’ve seen a ghost! Or a gi -

They talk silently for a minute, then turn around

GIANT Fee - fi - fo - fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
CHIPS Pardon me, sir, you have the wrong people. I am Scots born and bred. Auchtermuchty, to be precise.
DAME And I’m not one either, being a female of the species.
GIANT Be he alive or be he dead,
I'll grind his bones to make my bread!
DAME That's not friendly!
CHIPS Amelia, don’t you agree that discretion is the better part of valour?
DAME Oh definitely! What does it mean?
CHIPS If I may use the vernacular -
DAME I think I forgot to bring it!
CHIPS Let’s split!
DAME Is it as bad as that?
CHIPS No, worse!
DAME You mean?
CHIPS No, him mean!
DAME I’ve got it, I’ve got it!
CHIPS Well, I’m not quite sure I want it, Amelia.
DAME Are you game, Angus?
CHIPS Game for what?

The giant advances on them. She calls him into a huddle

DAME Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake - you know?
CHIPS This is no time for silly games.
DAME The pat-a-cake routine. Abbot & Costello did it when they met the Mummy. You know -

She whispers instructions to Chips, who nods after a while. They face each other with the giant looking on in fascination

CHIPS) Pat-a-cake pat-a-cake baker’s man
DAME) Bake me a cake as fast as you can.

On the first line they pat their knees twice, then each other’s hands twice. Repeat for second line, but on the word “can” they swing round and try to clobber the giant. But he ducks, and they fall down. The giant looks on as they scramble up

DAME Well it worked for Abbot & Costello!
CHIPS What now?
DAME Why don’t you come up with something?
CHIPS Right. Plan A.

They exit Left at speed, pursued by the giant

from Jack & the Beanstalk, Act 2 Scene 1

Script details

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