By Dave Buchanan
A hilarious new script set against the background of the French Revolution
Join Percy Breakneck & chums in their adventures as they seek to thwart baddy Citizen Chauvelin's evil plans!
"From the very first moment, the audience was entertained by a traditional panto with a new angle.. . .it was full of laughs, thrills and lots of audience participation." - Darlington & Stockton Times
PLOT SUMMARY
The villagers of Saucissons-sur-Mer are shocked when Citizen Chauvelin threatens to ban their beloved pastime of boules unless they turn over the Scarlet Pumpernickel.
When Chauvelin arrests heroine Simone de Boudoir, hero Percy Breakneck plus the Three Fops, dame Mimi Blancmange and Mayor Gaston Legroom devise a cunning rescue plan.
The Chateau where Simone is held is (allegedly) haunted, and the scene is set for a denouement full of thrills and comic horror.
| CAST 4 MALE 3 FEMALE
7 M/F PARTS |
| MAIN PARTS |
Percy Breakneck, hero (PB)
Simone de Boudoir, heroine (PG)
Citizen Chauvelin, chief baddy
Citizen Chevrolet)
Citizen Michelin), Chauvelin's henchmen
Gaston Legroom, the Mayor
Mimi Blancmange, the dame |
Fifi, the dame's pet poodle
Alphonse (Alfie) Picquet, Gaston's nephew
Colette, a young village girl
Charlie Ffoulkes)
Bertie Fopp)
Freddy Fortescue) the three Fops
The Duc de Montmartre
|
3 MAIN SETS
Production notes inc FX and musical numbers suggested.
SET PIECES
Slapstick meal
Haunted castle FX
Magic Magnolia Tree
Script Sample - The Three Fops
Enter R the Three Fops, Charlie, Bertie and Freddy
They take up a pose and slap their thighs
Charlie Think me!
Bertie Slap me!
Freddy Spank me!
The other two turn and look at Freddy, who shrugs his shoulders
Charlie I thay, chapth, what a thuper day!
Bertie Weally wiveting!
Freddy Frightfully awfully terribly - good.
Charlie I thay I thay I thay, what’th eight feet tall, green and thitth in the corner?
Bertie I’ve no idea.
Charlie The Incredible Thulk! Boom boom!
Bertie That’s jolly good. I’ve got one. Why did the scarecwow win the Nobel Pwize?
Freddy Don’t know.
Bertie Because he was outstanding in his field!
Freddy I’ve got one. Two cats are having a swim across the Channel - an English cat called one-two-three, and a French cat called un-deux-trois. Which one wins?
Bertie Haven’t the foggiest.
Freddy One-two-three cat, because - wait for it! - un-deux-trois cat sank!
He collapses in laughter
Pretty good one, chaps, eh?
Charlie It wathn’t that good.
There is a sudden fanfare
The Chorus assembles, including Gaston, Mimi, Alfie and Colette
Bertie I say, what’s going on?
Charlie (to Alfie) Or one might thay, what’th it all about, Alfie?
Laughs
Alfie There’s going to be a proclamation.
Freddy Oh goody, I do like percolations!
Colette By Citizen Chauvelin, no less.
Charlie Fanthy!
The strains of the Marseillaise are heard
Enter R Chevrolet and Michelin, who at the last moment, trips and stumbles into Chevrolet, to great laughter
Chevrolet (clearing his throat) Milords, ladies & gentlemen -
Michelin whispers into his ear
Er, I meant to say, citizens and citizenesses, we present -
Michelin - the Director of - (whispering to Chevrolet) what’s he the director of, Chevvy?
Chevrolet Public Safety, you twit!
Michelin - of Public Safety, you twit!
Laughs
Chevrolet Citizen Chauvelin.
They gesture towards L
Voice off Psst!
They realise their mistake and gesture R
Both Citizen Chauvelin.
The first few bars of the Marseillaise are heard again
Chauvelin walks on, to muffled boos, and stands C
Charlie I thay, Shove-along -
Chauvelin Chauvelin.
Charlie Whatever. Jolly good tune, the Mayonnaithe.
Chauvelin Marseillaise. (Peering at the three Fops) What are you tailor’s dummies doing here anyway?
The three Fops go “Ooh!” to one another
Charlie We’re vithitorth, dear boy.
Bertie Touwists, Mr Shuffle-along.
Chauvelin Chauvelin! English tourists, you say? More like English spies, I would say. (To Freddy) Are you a spy, sir?
Freddy A spy, sir? Certainly not, sir. Though I did see one in a field this morning.
Chauvelin You saw a spy in a field? What was he doing?
Freddy He was shepherding his flock.
Chauvelin Shepherding?
Freddy Yes, you see, he was a Shepherd’s Pie!
Uproarious laughter from all, except Chauvelin. Even Chevrolet and Michelin can’t hide their mirth
Chauvelin Silence!
The laughs gradually die down
Citizens. Vive la République!
There is a muffled echo of this. Chevrolet and Michelin make silly salutes
Vive la France!
Ditto
Gaston Vive la différence!
Mimi Evviva España!
They all look round at Mimi, who shrugs her shoulders
At this point, Percy enters R, splendidly dressed in a new red suit. Everyone immediately forgets about Chauvelin and greets Percy
All Hello, Percy! Etc.
Chauvelin When you’ve quite finished -
Percy (in an affected accent) My dear Citizen Shufflewick -
Chauvelin Chauvelin. That’s quite an outfit, Sir Percy. Interesting shade of (with emphasis) - scarlet.
Percy Scarlet? No no no, dear Shufflebottom. It’s a special shade of red, admittedly. What you might call - one in vermilion!
Laughs
By the way, have you heard my latest composition? It’s about that fellow you’re always going on about - the Scarlet whatsit. (Taking up a pose)
“They seek him here, they seek him there,
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
In heaven or hell? I don’t care a pickle -
That demmed, elusive - Pumpernickel.”
from The Scarlet Pumpernickel,
Act 1 Scene 6
Our thanks to Hutton Rudby Village CDS for the pix from their 2005 production. For more pix, click Mailbag.
Script details
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THE SCARLET PUMPERNICKEL