Scoundrels & Stratagems one act play script

ONE ACT PLAYS

SCOUNDRELS & STRATAGEMS
By Ron Nicol
An hilarious modern take on and parody of Victorian melodrama.

Plot Summary
Scoundrels & Stratagems involves the schemes/plots/counterplots of Lady Pinchbeck and Squire Buzzard to discredit/disinherit/kidnap various young innocents. Played at breakneck speed throughout, this is a hugely enjoyable romp.
ISBN 1 904930 87 5

CAST 4M 5F

Lady Pinchbeck
Lamprey, housekeeper
Squire Buzzard
Prudence, heroine #1
Quickly, police sergeant Gerard, hero
Gosling, Lady P's companion
Charity, heroine #2
Muggins, police constable

SET
Various locations, composite

TIME - Victorian
DURATION - 40 minutes

Script Sample

Music plays as the curtain rises, and dim lighting with plenty of shadow is brought up. An easel with the sign ‘Pinchbeck Hall’ on it stands in a DS corner. Lamprey enters and withdraws into the shadows as Charity enters, skips across stage and exits. Lamprey starts to come DS, then retreats as Prudence enters, reading a letter, crosses the stage and exits. Lamprey starts to come DS, withdrawing again as Gerald enters, looks about, and strides off. The light increases as Lady Pinchbeck enters

Pinchbeck Lamprey! Lamprey!

Lamprey speaks from directly behind Pinchbeck

Lamprey Yes, madam?
Pinchbeck Don’t skulk, Lamprey! It’s most disturbing.
Lamprey You called me, madam.
Pinchbeck I didn’t call you madam, I called you Lamprey.
Lamprey Why?
Pinchbeck Because that’s your name.
Lamprey I mean, why did you call me?
Pinchbeck I wish you to bring the chair, Lamprey.
Lamprey The chair, madam?
Pinchbeck Yes, Lamprey. The chair.
Lamprey Very well, madam. I go.

Lamprey exits. Pinchbeck fusses with her hair and clothing

Pinchbeck I have someone of the greatest importance coming to see me. It’s imperative that I appear at my best.

Lamprey, carrying a chair, appears soundlessly behind Pinchbeck

Lamprey I have returned.
Pinchbeck Don’t sneak up behind me, Lamprey! What is it?
Lamprey It’s a chair, madam. I’m surprised you didn’t recognise it as such.
Pinchbeck That will do, Lamprey! Place it there.

With exaggerated care, Lamprey places the chair exactly where Pinchbeck is pointing

Now, I don’t wish to be disturbed. Do you understand?
Lamprey Does that include sneaking up behind you, madam?
Pinchbeck I warn you, Lamprey, you’re treading on thin ice -
Lamprey But it’s the middle of summer, madam -
Pinchbeck Look here, Lamprey! I don’t want to be interrupted! Just see to it!
Lamprey As you say, madam. By the by, Squire Buzzard is here.
Pinchbeck Why didn’t you tell me before? Show him in.
Lamprey Very well, madam. I go.

Lamprey exits. Pinchbeck composes herself, and after a moment Squire Buzzard enters grandly and the lighting increases to full. Lamprey lurks in the background, listening

Pinchbeck Ah! Squire! How good to see you. It’s been too long - far too long!
Buzzard It has indeed, dear lady. I trust you’re well?
Pinchbeck My constitution has never been better. What can I do for you, dear Squire?

from Scoundrels & Sratagems

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