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 SNOW WHITE &
THE SEVEN NOT PARTICULARLY TALL PEOPLE
By Jack Burgess
A new take on the much beloved tale featuring the Wicked Queen, chuckle stones, the seven dwarfs, sorry NPTPs, and Dick Whittington & his cat (pardon?).
Plot Summary
King Kev of Saccharinia marries the Acid Queen Tartarina of Vinegaria. Her obsession with being the fairest means bad trouble for her stepdaughter Snow White. She is helped by the seven NPTPs and Dick who has somehow got trapped in the wrong panto.
This sparkling and highly inventive script is guaranteed to have your audience chuckling and rolling in the aisles.
ISBN 1 904930 91 3
| CAST 3 MALE 5 FEMALE
12 M/F PARTS |
Snow White, heroine (PG)
King Kev, her father
Queen Tartarina, her stepmother
Lord Slitherspin, Grand Vizier
Genie of The Mirror
Dick Whittington (PB)
Tom Kat-with-a-K
Lady Mucquet
Mrs Wobbly-Rumplington
Miss Grimleigh-Prim
Two Dim Guards
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The Seven NPTPs
Bolshy
Funky
Dodgy
Nerdy
Giggly
Lofty
Colin
Bishop Belovedly Banale
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4 MAIN SETS
Production notes inc FX and musical numbers suggested.
Script Sample - Royal Wedding chuckle stonesDodgy approaches three ladies in the crowd. The inside of his long robe is stuffed with bags of chuckle stones which he flashes open surreptitiously, Del Boy style. He approaches Miss Grimleigh-Prim
Dodgy Excuse me! You look like the sort of lovely lady who likes a bit of a laugh, bit of a giggle…
Miss Grimleigh-Prim (morosely) Yes… I do like a laugh… occasionally.
Dodgy Come the occasion, come the laugh. Can I interest you in some top quality Royal Wedding chuckle stones? Look at this one: a beautiful 20 Gigglet Chortle… only one owner… fully insured… only 50 groats…
Miss Grimleigh-Prim No… not really… Have you got any sardonic sniggers?
Dodgy Sold out this morning! I’ve got a nice fresh derisive hoot, though… 20 groats…?
Mrs Wobbly-Rumplington Let’s see: I love a good hoot! Alright…go on then …and I’ll have a packet of giggles for the kids.
Dodgy Thank you, lady. You’ve got a bargain. What? Oh, yes – I forgot your change. I’d forget me own beard if it wasn’t stuck on! Come on, ladies and gentlemen, get your Royal Wedding chuckle stones here. Every one a little gem!
Enter Lofty, a tall gangling apprentice (ie beardless) dwarf
Lofty Excuse me… are you Mr Dodgy?
Dodgy Dodgy by name, dodgy by nature. What can I do for you, sunshine? (Surreptitiously behind his hand) Need a bit of giggly dust for you and your mates?
Lofty Er… no. I was sent by the Joblin Centre as your new apprentice dwarf. He said you were one short of your quota of seven under the EU Common Panto Directive.
Dodgy Oh yeah… right… So, what’s your name?
Lofty Lofty.
Dodgy That figures! So, Lofty… I can’t help noticing that you’re… um… quite … um tall…
Lofty Tallest dwarf in the family!
Dodgy Enpeeteepee – Not Particularly Tall Person. You’re not supposed to use the D word anymore.
Lofty Oh yes, sorry - I’m the tallest Not Particularly Tall Person in our family!
Dodgy Yes… the thing is, us enpeeteepees like to keep things on the same sort of level… I can’t help thinking you’re going to stick out like a sore whatsit… I dunno…
Lofty Please, Mr Dodgy… All my life I’ve dreamt of growing down to be a real dwar… a real Not Particularly Tall Person. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. I’ve read up all about chuckle mining… I’ll work really hard, I promise and I can already identify all the different chuckle stones: titters, giggles, chortles, cackles, belly laughs – the lot. Please, let me join the enpeeteepees, please...
Dodgy Well, you’re keen – I’ll say that for you. Alright, here’s a little test. (He brings out a couple of similar sized chuckle stones) What can you tell me about these two? Take a good look.
Lofty examines the stones carefully, weighing them up, sniffing them, putting them to his ear etc…
Lofty Well… they’re both a lot bigger than a standard chuckle… bigger even than a chortle…this one’s a full throated laugh-stone … nicely… rounded, good texture… about 60 gigglets, I think. This one’s quite similar… except there’s something not quite right with the humorosity…
Dodgy Mmm… not bad… not quite right… but not bad at all. This one is, as you say, a genuine full throater - 65 gigglet in fact - worth 120 groats on the open market. This one, on the other hand, is just a cheap laugh – an imitation - no more than 20 gigglets – worth maybe forty groats - if you can find a mug to buy it… Alright, Lofty – consider yourself hired - or, I should say ‘lowered’ – as an apprentice dwar... enpeeteepee and chuckler.
Lofty Oh thank you so much, Mr Dodgy, sir. I won’t let you down!
from Snow White & The Seven Not Particularly Tall People,
Act 1 Scene 2
Thanks to the Painswick Players for their picture from the premiere in January 2008.
Script details
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© 2001 Spotlight Publications.
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